Slow with Snow
Today I was reminded of why I am where I am:
Signs: COVID pandemic and snow = slow down no need to rush we are exactly where we are supposed to be, have gratitude for all that IS
People around me= showing me kindness, abundance, courage, expanding me into the person I know I can be
My own experience =
Triggers and overcoming emotional trauma in every day life to heal old childhood wounds, learning and then sharing.
So many tears today from remembering old wounds, collectively we are all going through this healing which is why we are in this together. We have our different stories but in the end, the same goals, to find peace happiness and love. We can find them by intentionally calling in what really matters to us, how we want to be and feel, not in an egotistical way but on a soul level. As conscious beings, we only think we know what we want but we operate out of our subaconsious. So next time there is a trigger, it’s because an old nerve/ memory was experienced and it’s our job to find out where that came from, look at it in the face, and then forgive ourselves for the story we made at that moment, making peace with the past. Ultimately we are the storytellers and memory keepers of our own lives, and we have the power to re write and rewire these stories and programming.
for example today I got so triggered into anxiety when I found out how bad COVID really was. I had been quarantining and just staying in my bubble, until I realized the New Year is over and I’m not ready to go back. I processed guilt and feelings of unworthiness of love from childhood, I was brought back to when I was scolded or punished for being late or sick. Breathed and processed with a few friends and was able to rewire that my timing and planning could improve and that’s ok. I can get better at it, but don’t beat myself up over it. I have to further rewire my relationship to work and these feelings.TBM teaches about aligned action, and I promptly did: followed up with the things I had to do to prepare for work, planned out the next few days and weeks, paid some debts and bills, and visualized how I see my next few months. (Still more work to do on planning skills, my Virgo expander is with me and she is amazing at listening, critical thinking, organizing, and planning.
Second trigger was feeling embarrassed and unintelligent when I saw how much I had let lapse in my pursuit of happiness. Old memories of me getting punished or told I was dumb, for not knowing the answers, made me burst into tears for the little girl who thought she was unworthy of love from her parents and teachers, unworthy of friendship. I told my little self of course it’s not true and those words probably came from my parents’ parents, and of course they love me. Today I connected these little moments of feeling dumb came from that deep wound I tucked away, and I let myself cry and know that today is the day I no longer carry that story with me, knowing I may meet this trigger again in the future and I’ll be ready. My actions were to correct my math and see I wasn’t so off, I just didn’t look at the details, which is also a weakness of mine to work on.
I did have some wins though: my friend called me and guided me to a decision about car insurance I had been weighing. Then another friend texted me to invite me to a cacao group which made me so excited. On top of it all there was an abundance of money and food today, we went grocery shopping, and I could feel the safety and love all around me.
I called my dad and had a good conversation with him about his health and me learning Korean, this is a relationship where I have so many core wounds because I love him so much, and only recently due to COVID have I been able to crack my shell and his, so we could have a father daughter relationship that hadn’t existed for almost 2 decades. Very grateful for today’s lessons, the dark clouds and rain, and the sun and rainbow after. Ready for another snow day, to let it all sink in.
Definitely earned this cookie, after digging into my past instead of letting my emotions go back into the familiar patterns. Ninja moves.
